Discombobulated

It's been a number of months of digging, tossing, scratching, sketching through to the core of who I am and what I believe. To my shock and amazement - who I am is not who I thought I was and what I believe is not all based on reality, freedom, hope, love, joy or any of those other attributes I thought I was exemplifying.
So I'm back to the drawing table with every thought - every action - every belief. And I've even found joy and happiness through it all! And heartache and pain at other times too. The whole buffet of emotions are at my banquet table. I try them all on for size - and inevitably return to the peace and happiness ones.
I'm recognizing Joy in so many little things - I've always had them (the little things), but did I ever really take a moment to breath in and recognize that something, someone, an event, object or glance - can give me the deepest joy that it floods my spirit and makes me smile at nothing.
I am discovering the deeply spiritual practice of meditation. Prayer time was getting to be a long list of blah, blah, blah.. telling God what He already knows and gripping about how I would like Him to change it. Well, I'm done with that for now. If God is truly as big as I make Him to be, He has WAY better things to say than I do - so I thought it was time to shut up and listen. And wow, can He ever speak. Deep, deep down soul words that materialize in my inmost being. The kind of words that I KNOW are true - I don't have to wonder... "Is it right, should I do this or that .. how do I know.." all that mind chatter stuff vaporizes and I simply listen and sit with what He says. Now that feels like freedom.